Monthly Archives: December 2013

Fight the Taboo (aka real men get help for their mental illness)

It was this time a few years ago that I came to a crossroads. I was in the midst of my PD (post-divorce) season of healing. I was seeing significant progress in my recovery AND my self-discovery. It was an exciting, although painful, season. But, as I began to be made more and more aware of who I was, what made me tick, etc, I noticed something.

For as far back as I could remember, EVEN INTO MY CHILDHOOD, I had this sense of gloom. My divorce only made things worse. I would wake up each morning, dreading the day. The best way I could describe it was that I was functioning inside of a “black cloud.” As each day would go on, the black cloud would somewhat dissipate, but, like clockwork, it would return the next day.

Now that I became aware of this, I took a drive across Colorado to visit my oldest sister. I had a five-hour trip to put my finger on what, exactly, I wanted to say. All I knew is that I didn’t want to live that way any more.

By the time I arrived in my hometown in western Colorado, I knew what I needed to declare. The words weren’t easy to spit out, but I needed to say them, “Sis, I think I’ve been fighting with depression. For a long time.”

You see, it was so hard to get those words out for a couple of reasons.

1.) My family of origin – My parents were old school when it came to dealing with issues. You either dealt with it “in-house” or you swallowed hard and kept silent, thinking that you could pull yourself out of any mess by your own boot straps. We never discussed mental illness at all during my growing up years except in reference to the hypochondriac, manipulative, angry aunt who raised my mother. But apart from that, the subject never came up. I had no frame of reference, no way to know what was normal or not in terms of depressed feelings. Regarding the need for any kind of counselor, totally out of the question. I’m sure if I would have asked to see a psychologist as a kid, my parents would have looked at my like I had 13 1/2 hands and three noses.

2.) I’m a guy – Not to over-generalize, but most guys don’t talk about their feelings. Not necessarily because we don’t want to, but mostly because we don’t always know what it is that we are feeling. Those pesky things called emotions are so hard to put a finger on, that it’s easier to keep quiet about instead of looking like a bumbling idiot who doesn’t know what’s going on in his own self. For me, I was scared to death to put a label on what I was feeling, because of how SERIOUS DEPRESSION IS. 

But, because my five-hour trip gave me the courage to put into words what it was that I was battling, I knew I had to tell someone about this internal wrestling match.

My sister and I, and a high school friend and I, had several good conversations that weekend. By the time I left that part of Colorado to head back to Colorado Springs, I was resolved to do something about this “black cloud” of depression.

Upon returning, I met with a recommended psychologist to get some testing done. This was done on the following Friday. The doctor who administered the tests felt that my situation was serious enough that she needed to call me the next day, instead of waiting until Monday.

She explained that there is a spectrum of depression, where on one end a person is pretty much depression free. On the opposite end of this spectrum, you have severe clinical depression. She described what the few middle notches on the spectrum were like. She asked me where I thought I was on this scale. I honestly answered, “Oh, somewhere just beyond the middle of the spectrum, I guess.”

She explained to me in detail that, no, I didn’t have things that good. She said that I was on the far end of the scale, and that I needed help, and fast. She suggested getting on medication as well as undergoing some counseling.

I was especially nervous about taking any kind of antidepressant. Again, my lack of knowledge paved the road to fear. So, after doing some research, and talking with my new core circle of friends, I came to realize how brain chemistry worked, and that taking an antidepressant was the equivalent to a diabetic taking insulin for health’s sake.

Fast Forward A Few Weeks

It usually takes a handful of weeks for Zoloft to kick in, but when it kicked in, it made such a HUGE difference. I remember the morning like it was this morning.

Instead of waking up with this “black cloud” surrounding me, instead of feeling paralyzed to do what I needed to do that day, I woke up early, about 5am. While I was lying there in my bed, it struck me. “Wow!” I thought. “Is this what it feels like to be happy and undepressed?” As I took inventory of my mental faculties, I began to laugh. Not because my situation was funny, but because I felt for the first time a major sense of relief.

Are antidepressants a fix-all? No. But, under the right circumstances, they can be a life-saver. Was I permanently healed? No. Again using the diabetes analogy, the diabetic has to use insulin long-term to maintain their body’s needs. It could very well be that I need to remain on Zoloft the rest of my life. Honestly, I’m okay with that.

Are Meds Enough?

The best one-two punch in dealing with depression is careful medication coupled with counseling. Being able to get that extra set of eyes that can look into your life objectively is a significant part in making sense of depression, ESPECIALLY FOR MEN.

Don’t Get Cold Feet

If you even have a tiny clue that you might be dealing with depression (if you’re divorced, divorcing, or on the rocks, chances are you ARE dealing with some level of depression), Google the counselors and psychologists in your area. Just do it. Don’t overthink it. When you’re depressed, you can talk yourself out of almost anything. Just do it.

Beyond that, find at least ONE trusted person in your circle of influence, a friend, relative, coworker, etc, that you can say to them, “I think I’m battling depression.” Get those words out. Then, you can have a compassionate ally on your side who can understand you and help you get the treatment you need. Don’t chicken out on this part of it.

Don’t Buy It…

Don’t buy into the notion that men aren’t supposed to be depressed

Don’t buy into the notion that you are weak for admitting you are depressed

Don’t buy into the notion that there is no hope for your situation

Don’t buy into the notion that you are less of a human being, less of a man, because you are seeking treatment for mental illness

Don’t buy into the notion that counseling is for wimps

Don’t buy into the notion that antidepressants are evil and aren’t to be trusted

Guys, regarding the war against mental illness, and specifically YOUR BATTLE WITH DEPRESSION, with the right help, YOU’VE GOT THIS. Hang in there.

Your Brother in the Battle,

BKM

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Finding the Bruises (aka healing comes in spurts)

A new coworker of mine reminds me of my ex-wife. Her personality, her mannerisms, her inflections. While this woman is actually pretty cool to work with and I have NOTHING against her at all, I can’t help but battle these reminders of anger and hurt that have sideswiped me. 

I’ve been divorced for several year and have gone to God in prayer many times to give me the strength to forgive my ex-wife. Up until now, I’ve had no ill will toward her. I’ve prayed for her healing, for her well being, for her post-divorce (PD) life. But this new territory of having daily reminders of a broken relationship, and of annoyances that I was too chicken to ever say anything about, has me staggering a bit.

I guess if there’s any kind of moral to this story, it’s that forgiveness is an ongoing thing. My ex-wife doesn’t NEED my forgiveness, but I NEED to forgive her. As often as necessary. Beyond just saying once to myself, “I forgive this person for this or that offense,” I need to be in a continual MINDSET of forgiveness, one that is characterized by an attitude that acts as if the offense never happened. Yeah. That’s the real picture of forgiveness. 

Another lesson learned here is that healing comes in spurts. While I’ve come a long, long way since my divorce, I am seeing that there are still nooks and crannies of my soul that need some work. There are apparently still some bruises that are a tad sensitive to the touch. 

A Few Thoughts to Pass On:

**Don’t be overly surprised if you encounter something that reminds you of your ex years down the road. 

**Don’t be too surprised if you find yourself occasionally hurt by a painful memory. 

**Don’t be surprised by the need to continually forgive.

**Don’t mistake your need for continued healing for weakness. It takes a real man to probe the corners of his soul to see where the bruises are. 

**Don’t withhold forgiveness, lest you become a bitter, scared old man, incapable of ever loving again.

**Don’t be afraid to forgive.

**Don’t be afraid to unpack these surprise feelings with a trusted friend or two.

**Don’t be afraid comment and let the rest of us know about your journey of forgiveness.

BKM

 

Easy as Pie! (aka, make some new Christmas traditions for yourself!)

android-key-lime-pie-qualcommAfter my 11-year marriage ended, I found myself facing a few very painful Christmases. The first one post-divorce (PD) was an absolute blur. The second one, not so bad. I had begun building a new social circle, and had started my incredible journey of healing. So, the third Christmas PD, I came to a realization.

I had no Christmas traditions of my own! During our 11 years of marriage, we had several awesome holiday rituals that I just loved. BUT I didn’t quite feel like continuing them by myself. I wanted to develop my own PD identity. So, I had a great conversation with myself…

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

I discussed the things that I enjoyed. One thing that definitely came to the surface was my love of pie.

Well, what kind of pie do you like?

I like ALL kinds of pie, but I absolutely love key lime pie!

So, I made an agreement with myself. No strings attached. For Christmas Eve, I would make from scratch a key lime pie. I had never made one before, so there was significant risk. But what did I have to lose? I agreed with myself that if it was a bust, I would seek a new tradition for myself next year. However, if this key lime pie experiment was a success, then I’d make one each Christmas Eve.

So, how did it go, you might ask.

Several years later, and I’m still making key lime pies each year! (This reminds me, I need to go buy some key limes soon!)

Here’s my suggestion to you. You may be recently divorced, or you may have divorced several years ago. Either way, I think you’ll agree with me in your heart of hearts that the holidays are important. You might be in a fog still or in shock because of your divorce. But trust me, holidays have several layers of importance.

For starters, they allow you an opportunity to reflect on relationships, on life, on the future.

They also allow you to plant some milestones on your journey. They help you to see where you’ve come from and gauge where you’re going.

For me, this pie experiment was a prime opportunity to continue building my own identity.

What’s this mean for you?

Ask yourself what YOU like.

*Do you like live music? Go see a concert each Christmas.

*Do you like to cook? Learn how to make your favorite meal and invite your friends over to share it.

*Do you like to write? Write a poem or short story each Christmas, and keep a notebook of them to serve as a sort of time capsule.

*Do you like receiving letters? Write yourself a letter each New Years. Stick it in your stocking, and then open up that letter the following year. Another time capsule, in a way. Keep yourself informed on how your favorite football team is doing in the playoffs, or what your hopes are for the next year.

*Do you like movies? Watch your favorite movie sometime in the month of December. (For me, to keep things in perspective for Christmas, I like to watch the Passion of the Christ each year to remind myself why Jesus came to earth).

*Are you automotively knowledgeable? Give of yourself each December by offering to all your friends an oil change or a tune-up as an early Christmas gift.

*Do you collect anything? Whether its coffee mugs, coats, cigars, or shot glasses, search for the best possible addition to your menagerie each year!

*Do you have a favorite out-of-town restaurant? Make a pilgrimage there each year, just before Christmas.

*Do you like sports? Each year take a friend to see a football, hockey, or basketball game. (Let me recommend to you the Broncos, Avalanche, or the Nuggets).

*Is there a ministry or charity in town that tugs at your heart? Give of yourself and volunteer there each year around this time.

Let me know what you come up with! And, I mean this with all sincerity, I hope you have an awesome Christmas this year. Here’s to discovering who you are at your core, and to a great year ahead!

Cheers!

BKM